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| Okay. Okay. I know I should really not be so down and get over this living situation. But I can't help myself! I could, if SHE'D TRY! Agh! I feel like I'm the only one who gets me. I want out of here. Now.
But luckily, I've found you old/new xanga. To be my vent and not have her know. Cause if she did now, she'd cry for she would hear this.
One - You need to understand how I feel after a long day of school and work where between classes I organized my sh!t in the living room to take into my room after I've come home. Then to see that all piled in front of my door. Mind you, person, that my prior stated stack was only 3 inches from my door but you can resist cleaning up after me. The last time I checked, you had sh!t all over the place. Yeah, your mate left clothes on the floor for weeks, you had nutella at the desk for days and somehow my papers on the corner of our holding desk count your eye. I don't need my sh1t messed with when you have your own to fix.
Two - Water conservation on the dishes already, geez. Who needs to prewipe the dishes to get gunk off then bathe them, then wash, and rinse them? Just do the soak thing, then wipe, and rinse. Done! & you've saved yourself the money you try to get out of me. Whatever.
Three - You are not my wife. You are not my mother. You are not my sister. You are my roommate. Do not touch my stuff. Cleaning up FOR me is not help. If you want something taken care of, I won't take it personally. I've practiced all levels of communication, so best believe I can take a hit like a favor. We both have things to work on here. I need to learn how to clean up, and as far as I can see, I'm better at it than you. HA! But you need to not hinder others by baby-ing them. I mean everyone, including your husband too. The last time I checked, OCD ANYTHING is a disability. Just saying. Check yo'self.
AGH. Can I move out already? Someone take my lease.
I'm trying to say is that you can't just assume that your marriage established our relationship. Only our relationship can establish itself. So don't try to talk to me like you know me. How ghetto girl cliche of me. But it's the truth.
I see in the way you handle people, esp. children, that you're not used to listening. Or even saying what needs to be said. I learned this in high school, & it's being reinforced now, that you just need to say what you need to say.
Agh. This is so scattered. FML!
Thank you for listening, World.
ooxxooXoXXx__Mari
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| I feel like I'm up against a steel wall. Knick by knick I'm being attacked & frankly, it's ticking me off. I feel like every step I'm taking here brings me two back. Frustration factor? You bet it is!
Each station of my house could resemble why I feel this way.
Kitchen: When I clean something or am putting it to use, it gets all fawked up. I'm venting here so excuse the specifics of these certain situations. Foreman grills- Let's be honest, you got to take care of them or they leave your food all gross or you'll get burnt on junk. To be a stickler, people need to get off their butts, take a second from being so hungry, and clean the dang thing. It's as easy as taking a damp rag and wiping. BLING-BLAOW! Done. Instead, we're dealing with caked on crap from the cooling down of the grill. Ridiculous. Call me whatever you want to call me, but you make the mess, you clean it. It's some real cow pie when I haven't used the thing for a month and I'm left cleaning it. Am I the only one who cares? Show some initiative and responsibility for your actions.
Living Room: Okay okay. It's basically the same thing. Not being here forever and cleaning the mess. I haven't really cleaned the living room for those very reasons, but also because I've dealt with my crap at the moment it needed to be done. I remember having my stuff piled in front of my door daily when it was at inconvenience towards the family. If I were to do that, do you think that they'd keep their mouths shut and deaaaaal? No. I'm the little sister who doesn't know anything. Maybe being the bigger person means making small gestures. Just maintain your composer, the rest will take care of itself. Mommy always says to respect them and do what I need to do. I'm trying Ma. I'm trying.
Bathroom: This is was nearly killed me today. I left a post it on the laptop monitor for a certain someone to take care of. Calling to mind the mess this person left after attempting to clean their shaved hair off the floor. After addressing my distress to their significant other, I come home to find that very note in regards to the bathroom... In the bathroom. Ouch! Smack in the face! Direct shot! 500 points! Pick your prize!
My Bedroom: I've been trying to get all this situated from the day we moved in. All I want is to have time to take care of this. I want my little corner to help bring me back to life. I have awesome birds hanging from the ceiling to lift up my spirits. Awesome. But a girl can only take so much. Sure, my bed is made and is screaming for my return, but I want my closet to look banging too. I want my floors to be spotless. Or at least be able to fake it. But the accumulation of the previous situations are dragging me down, thus my corner as well. I rely on this place. With all that's going on there, well, going on, I need a place to find myself. My books. My faith. My school. My work. I need to get my head on straight. If I can't sit down with my book on the couch, at the table, I'd like to think my own desk could take me in. But that isn't the case.
World, you might not know what I'm dealing with here. I'm a full time student now. I'm blessed to have also found a full time job. Even though my job as a nanny is great with awesome kids and boss, it doesn't pay enough nor is it on a consistent or reliable schedule. To say the least. It's becoming a bit stressful to deal with the realism of it all. I just want things to be better already. People to cultivate in their land. People to be responsible. People to take care of what they should be taking care of. My brother shared with me today and awesome sermon from an awesome pastor from awesome Seattle. (: He said something along the lines of how God created a 6 day work week and 1 day of rest. People are getting too comfortable and too lazy to keep it up. Oh, my body is hurting. Oh, I've done this one too many times this week. No. Maintain who you are, your credibility, your responsibility.
I'm not trying to go all socialist and benefit from your work, family. I'm trying to get you off your hind parts and be a part of this family. Equally yoked. Equally burdened, please. Equally satisfied.
Thank you for listening, World.
ooxxooXoXXx__Mari
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| I'm ready to get this year going! To read more! Learn more! Work on me! I need to blog. Write out goals. This year is going to be exciting. (:
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| i was just looking through my old entries & "comments."
i don't know about yu guys, but i made things pretty clear.
this is a place where i will reflect on what i've done to grow.
growth is so important. a priority in life, most def.
but when i have loved ones come by. say a few words
& not even take it in. not even acknowledge the fact i`m pouring out my heart
so that the very same loved ones won't make the mistake. & learn. & GROW.
well? i feel used. i feel that yu just brush off my heart so yu won't change.
if i could be anything to yu people, let it be an example. one yu can meet with.
but if yu won't even care for it? don't waste the time yu can sending me a note.
when yu should have a reflection....
self-reliance? sure. that's what got us in the mess. God gave us His Son.
so we wouldn't have to be alone. He suffered. so we wouldn't.
He lived a life of purity. a life of solitary. so that we could take up our cross.
& life for Him as well. Think about it. This Lent? Pointless?
Tomorrow doesn't have to be. Take care, World. Later.
without God. without other kids; were wouldn't be caught on situations like these.
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| i don't know if anyone told yu, but Friday, Feburary 16th, 2007 at 5PM-ish,Princess & i experienced a car accident. & God's power in our lives. we could have died. we could have been turned in for the police to beat us in the law.but we didn't. we had a lovely couple, Bill & Becky Rollins, attended to our needs without even needing to ask of them. they were a delight. & so is knowing that God heard my cry for His presence. & for His love & mercy.
so coming into town from Scenic Heights, there's this road yu need to slow down on and turn with to continue. somehow or another, i was slowing down but slid into a mail box and fence then a ditch. stuck and now wanted a random person to call the police, Princess and i managed to get it out but still in the yard, and into a mud hole. only the right front tire was stuck. panicing like crazy, likewise decisions were flashing through my mind, try to drive off the yard where i came in? run away? what do i do? i cried out for God, no lie. full out communication with Our Almighty, and slowly, my heart rate fell, and i could hear Him. Princess and i decided, hey, might as well let them know we're here in their yard. so we asked for her to come and see what we had done, right off the bat, i like her know i have no license. she forgave me right there and told me she's just worried about getting us home.
her husband soon came home and he got it out within an hour. then came in and told Princess and i that if we crashed even 2 feet over to the left, we could have crashed into their magnolia tree and died. "Someone was definately looking over you, because that is amazing."
after all this, the lessons i learned, pretty obvious. don't drive, especially illegally or disobedient towards authorities, like Fathers? trust is something that should not be taken for granted, it might be cliche, but trust is a lot easier to break than to have to build up again. maybe it's cliche because we still have to learn it.
my Father, my daddy, my mommy, my brother Joe. i all lied to and i regret not having stopped it, and just coming home already. but i was in no rush to not be myself so that God could fix me up how He knows He can get to me. He did, and oh man i feel like my head is finally were it needs to be. i know i`m not going to be prefect straight out of this blog, it's going to take time and a practice of actions so it will be my new lifestyle.the best part is; nothing of this situation is how i would have planned.
i did live, so i got that much. but the Rollins' Family, having to tell my family members one day at a time, and my parents getting some random necessities for me, it's all coming too easy for me. it's painful but right when i feel my heart's had enough, God pushes a little more makes me feel it, and eases.
i love my family. even Arthur was able to talk about this with me.
i love my Savior. He's so SWEET.
i love knowing everything will be alright. in time, yo.
this is my testimony to Our Almighty God. | | |
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